the_MTV Interviews Xeanderthal

MTV: Hello xeanderthal, its a pleasure to meet you - can I call you X?
X: Call me X, Xe, Xean. Whatever, just be respectful and you can call me anything. Can I call you TV?

MTV: Well, I'm the_MTV...
X: Well .... I have the Rocket Launcher.

MTV: TV it is!
X: Cool, TV. Lets get this rolling.

MTV: So, Xeanderthal, can you tell us a little about yourself?
X: Well, I guess I’m just your average Xeander, really. I like to go out with the guys, drink a few beers and have a good time. As a kid I got into my share of trouble, but UT3 changed all that. Now I’m a father of 2 beautiful daughters and happily divorced.

MTV: Lets start with the name. How did you get it?
X: Lol. Yeah. When I was a little Xeander running around the grown up Xeanders used to say “Look at that lil xeanderthal go! He’s knocking people over left and right! Good thing he can’t drive yet” and shit like that. It just stuck as a nickname and I’m glad, cuz they also used to say “What is that lil fucktard doing?”, and if that name stuck…. Well, you know. To this day when Ginger is in game screaming “You FUCKTARD…” at some nub I answer with “What?”

MTV: So how did you start playing UT3?
X: Well, as I said earlier, I was very mischievous as a young xeander. My pops was looking for something to keep me out of trouble and he bought me a Rocket Launcher. I was a Rocket Scientist before I could read or write and had my first killing spree at 5. Before long I was on a Rampage and then… my first Massacre and Monster Kill. Dad was so proud of me and took me out for Ice Cream. Thats the day I knew I wanted to join the UT Pro tour.

MTV: When did you become a vehicle whore?
X: Lol. I get that a lot. It was probably the first time I jumped in a Goliath. A love affair with the Goliath started that day.  Those things are pretty uncomfortable, you know. The seats don’t recline, theres no tilt steering, and if you get in one after Dub was driving it, OMG the cabbage fart smells just won’t go away. And he leaves the controls all sticky. I don't know what the fuck he does in there - and I dont wanna know. Honestly, you’re praying a Redeemer will take you out just to get rid of the smell.

MTV: So, you have the record for most Road Kills. How did that happen?
X: Really it wasn’t deliberate. I was looking at stats one day and noticed I was like #30 on the Career High list, just behind Bush and Buzz. I just made a point to get a Road Rampage a few times a day and before you knew it I was in 2nd place, just 1000 kills behind the old King of RK, Tricky1 himself. That last week was crazy, cuz the record was in sight. I pulled out all the stops and had 1200 Road Kills that week. I made a few enemies that week, too, lol. I just wish the Pancake stat was recorded, too. That would be awesome.

MTV: Do you like Pancakes?
X: I remember my first like it was yesterday. It was on Suspense and I had just grabbed the free manta on the island. I went up the hill and hit spacebar at the top of the hill and landed on Pool_God by accident. PAHHN - CAAKE. God I think I pulled wood when I heard that one.

MTV: Do you have any Road Kill secrets for the nubs out there?
X: Most people overcontrol the manta. Ease off of the throttle and time your jumps and crouches. Manta is my favorite roadkill vehicle, but I will use anything handy: Scorp, DW, Raptor, Nightshade, Nemi - hell I have a few Leviathan roadkills. I will even shoot rox at my teams empty mantas - they go flying and Road Kill any enemy players they hit.  People ask about the goggles a lot. The Manta windshield is pretty small, so I wear them to keep the giblets out of my eyes. And that sexy bald head of mine? It’s just impossible to wash that shit outta my hair. When the career is over I’m going back to wearing traditional Xeander style Dredlocks.

MTV: Any memorable moments in your UT3 career?
X: There have been so many…. One thing I will always remember is a DM game I played against elix. It was on Deck and I had just blind-followed my friend NiagraNoriega into the game, joining with like 8 minutes left. Of course elix won the match and only had 5 deaths in the whole game, but I killed him 4 of those 5 times.  Honestly, I just got lucky with rox a couple times, caught him with Flak after an opponent had taken his health down another time, and then got lucky with a Deemer. But I still smile when I think about it. Not many UT3 players can say they took elix down 4 times in 8 minutes in one DM.

MTV: You mentioned Impeach_Bush a minute ago. I don’t see him around much anymore. Can you tell us what is going on with him?
X: Well, he had tried a career change as a Midget Pornstar. Most of your readers have probably heard of 'Big “4 inch” John', the midget pornstar?. That was Bushie. But I heard things didn’t really work out, you know. The carreer move was a little 'premature', if you know what I mean. Since then he’s had some run-ins with the law. I’m sure he’s just laying low on the advice of legal counsel. You know, when you accumulate that many restraining orders in a short period of time, and they all deal with minors, its best if you change your name and move to Canada for a while. But don’t worry, Bush will be back with an alias before long. Bush if you are reading this: I miss your Green Shaft. And so does Ginger, no matter what she says.

MTV: OK! All of our readers are dying to know about the Avril Queen GingerSuicide. What can you tell us about her?
X: I don’t know, what is there really to say? She’s just your average MILF with attitude and a Rocket Launcher. Most people think the Tough Ass attitude is just an act. It’s not. She can shoot your eyes out with an Av or Flak cannon if you piss her off. One thing I will always remember about Ginger (and thanks to the Rofinol she never will), is that night in the Bender. It’s a tight squeeze, but that thing does seat 2. Let’s just say there’s a reason we call it a Bender.

MTV: LOL. She is in the Bender a lot!
X: Yeah. She can’t drive it for shit, either. Actually, her daughter, Ashblastor, drives better than she does. Keep your eye on her - Ash definitely has a future in this game. She has some great move, terrific accuracy and a wonderful attitude. And she’s such a great kid, too. This game needs more kids like Ash coming up the ranks.

MTV: While we’re on the subject of éX, tell me about the rest of your clanmates.
X: Well, I’d like to say they’re all nice guys, but really we’re the biggest group of assholes the sport has ever seen. Just ask a5uperman or SheepMolester. We’re all Bitches n Hoes. LOL. Actually, Hero is a nice guy, Aim would lay his life on the line for you, Buzz is just a loveable guy, Foxy – nuff said, another1 is a terrific teammate, Doc is a such great kid, SuperFX – that dude rocks, Skippy is pretty cool and I’m the nicest guy in all of UT3. I guess it’s just Ginger and Tony that are assholes and give us a bad name. I’m kidding G and T! I love you guys! Seriously, éX are all assholes – except me.

MTV: I see Buzz is back.
X: Yeah its good to see the big guy back in UT3, rocking and rolling. You know Buzz didn’t play for a while due to a serious injury. Docvanvanmojo was finally able to remove the Impact Hammer from his colon and he is quickly getting back into form. He’s still walking with a limp, though, but he says it doesn’t slow him down.

MTV: An IH injury, really?
X: Yeah. Those things do a shit ton of damage in the wrong hands. Ask Ginger. Buzz swears he was trying new IH jumps on Sandstorm, but can’t explain why he was found naked and unconscious with a pair of wet panties and D-cup bra nearby. He says that’s what he was wearing, and the IH must have knocked them off when the it ‘accidently’ discharged at waist level. That’s his story and he’s sticking to it. Anyway, all you kids out there probably saw the new warning label on the Impact Hammer: THIS IS NOT AN APPROVED SELF-PLEASURING DEVICE. That was because of Buzz’s injury. Please use them responsibly.

MTV: Alright, I have to ask about the éX teen heartthrob, ….
X: Well, gee that’s awesome, you know. I just want to say hi to all my fans…

MTV: Actually, X, I was talking about Doc.
X: Oh….really? Um, yeah. I mean really! I know! I was just kidding. Hey, its Doc, what can I say. He’s a great kid. That Joo Fro and sexy voice even gets me hot and bothered sometimes, you know. He has a busy schedule, what with the new Drive Thru Bris chain he is starting, but he says its a cutting edge business and he gets to keep the tips…LOL.

MTV: So what about Asil?
X: Yeah, I miss that guy. He lives right down the street from and I never see him anymore. I used to see him cruise by in a Scorp occasionally but I guess he has upgraded to the Stealth Bender, because I never see him. He wants to be A Doctor like his hero, Doc, and we at éX wish him the best of luck, ya know?

MTV: Wow I didn’t ask about Our_Hero yet.
X: Hero is absolutely the nicest guy in UT3. No one has a problem with him except a5upertard. And he has a terrific combination of elusiveness and DM skills that make him a natural Flag Carrier. What can I say? He’s my hero!

MTV: Anyone else you want to mention?
X: Well I gotta throw one out to my boy the Bullet Magnet. Hey, Aim, sup? And I'd like to hi to my mom. HI MOM!

MTV: So éX has been growing lately…
X: Yes, it has been an interesting time in the Clan Clubhouse. SuperFX joined, Tony rejoined the clan and Skippy_Doe joined last month. Honestly, its good to have Tony back. He’s a beast on foot and adds a lot to the team. Super – Hell he’s just Super, you know. He can defend, chase flag carriers and cap. He makes any team better. I haven’t really played with Skippy much, but in the Clubhouse he’s a real prankster. Like the time he put Dud AVRIL ammo in Tony's weapon locker, to see how many Pancakes Tony would take before flipping out, or the time he put Astroglide on Tonys AVRIL just to see what would happen. It was funny as hell to watch Tony shoot himself n the face with an AVRIL. Don’t worry kids, Tony should be OK soon.

MTV: Thanks for your time Xea. Its been a pleasure.
X: Hey, no problem, TV. Lets go get a beer.