A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir," says the bartender. "That'll be one cent." "One penny?!" exclaims the guy. "That’s right." 

So the guy glances at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a salad?""Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That’ll be four cents." "Four cents?" says the guy.

"Jeez, I’d like to meet the guy who owns this place!" "He’s upstairs with my wife," says the bartender. "What's he doing with your wife?" asks the guy. "Same as what I'm doing to his business." 













An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. 

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile.

Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10! o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"











Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."










A newly married couple are honeymooning in India. As they're walking through a bazaar they see a sign that reads: "Magic sandals. Guaranteed to improve your sex life."

The couple walk into the shop and are greeted by the shopkeeper. "These magic sandals," he tells the wife, "will increase your husband's sex drive and make him an accomplished lover." The wife tells the shopkeeper that her husband wears a size 10, and that he'd like to try them on.

So the husband sits down, puts on the sandals and gets a gleam in his eye that his wife has never seen before. The husband rips his pants off, bends the shopkeeper over the counter and goes to town.

Frantically the shopkeeper screams, "The sandals! You've got them on the wrong feet!"




LMAO  :lol:  :D  8O