Quotes

* Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin."
---Lillian Carter

* I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but
fine against a wall."
---Eleanor Roosevelt

* Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I
have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that
statement.
---Mark Twain

* The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
---George Burns

* Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
---Victor Borge

* Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
---Mark Twain

* What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
---Mark Twain

* By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
---Socrates

* I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
---Groucho Marx

* My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she
stops to breathe.
---Jimmy Durante

* The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness can be trained to do most things.
---Jilly Cooper

* I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
---Zsa Zsa Gabor

* Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: ..alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
---Alex Levine

* Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing. It was here first.
---Mark Twain

* My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
---Ed Furgol

* Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant
form of misery.
---Spike Milligan

* What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
---Henny Youngman

* Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
---Joe Namath

* Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
---Herbert Henry Asquith

* I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
---WC. Fields

* We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
---Will Rogers

* Don't worry about avoiding temptation...as you grow older, it will avoid
you.
---Winston Churchill

* The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.
---Unknown

* By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step; he's too old to go
anywhere.
---Billy Crystal